Weep With Those Who Weep
Perhaps, the saddest funeral I ever attended was a friend whose baby died within twenty-four hours of birth. That was nearly seven years ago, but I still remember the tiny casket. It was the smallest I had ever
seen about the size of a shoe box. This friend had also suffered a couple miscarriages. My heart ached for her. I longed to comfort her or help her in some way, but did not know what to say. I was expecting my first child, and had not lost any children.
Having since experienced some miscarriages, I now understand better the pain
mothers and even fathers feel when they lose a child. Do you feel helpless when a friend loses a baby? Here are some ways you can help a friend who's grieving.
Be available. I may need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or your presence nearby. Don't tell me to stop grieving. Give me permission to cry. Be available to listen, but never force me to talk.
Be sympathetic. Acknowledge the importance of my grief. Don't offer explanations or try to minimize or eliminate the situation. Please don't say, "I know exactly how you feel." You may know it hurts, you may have experienced loss, but you don't know exactly how I feel.
Send a card or short note. Your notes and cards let me know that you care.
Call. Whenever you call, ask if this is a good time or if I want to talk. I may or may not be ready to talk.
Visit. Call first to see if it's the right time for a visit.
Offer assistance. Miscarriage can be physically and emotionally draining. Any offer of help is appreciated. Don't just say, "Call me if you need anything." I will probably never call. Instead, offer to clean my house, wash dishes, or babysit my children.
Take a meal. I really appreciated
meals, especially frozen meals that I could reheat later. Some friends brought their meals in aluminum pans that I could throw out, and that really helped.
Pray
for the family. Sometimes, this is the best thing you can do.
Realize that grief takes time. The pain of miscarriage does not go away after a week or two. The expected due date of the baby was an emotional time for me. Many women who experience a miscarriage have a difficult time being around pregnant women. If you are expecting, be considerate of your friend who has had a miscarriage. Don't avoid her, but be aware that she may not want to attend a baby shower. Invite her, but let her know that you understand if she would rather not come.
Also, don't try to hide your pregnancy. One woman was deeply hurt when a friend kept her pregnancy a secret until it was obvious she was pregnant. That friendship was nearly ruined.
What NOT to Say
Unless you have been through a loss, it is hard to know what to say. Many times words unintentionally hurt rather than help.
This was God's will. Although this is true, I grew weary of hearing it over and over again.
It's for the best. A woman who miscarries wonders how losing a baby can be for the best. Often, there are unanswered questions that may leave her feeling disillusioned.
You should be thankful; there was probably something wrong with the baby.
There probably was something wrong with my baby, but does that make it any easier?
It was too soon to have another baby; your body wasn't ready.
I had more than one person tell me that; but in my case, it was not true.
You're young; you can still have more children.
Yes, I can (and did) have another child, but no child ever takes the place of the child who died.
You have two sons already. Be thankful for them.
I am thankful for my two sons, but those babies I lost were important, too.
At least, you didn't get to know your baby.
I wish I had gotten to know and hold my babies so I could have those precious memories.
Well, these things happen. You need to forget it and get on with your life.
Forget my babies? I never want to forget my babies.
Try not to think about it.
How can you not think of your loss?
No one wants to increase a person's discomfort, but carelessly offered condolences can unintentionally increase a person's distress. Usually, just a simple "I'm so sorry about your loss" is sufficient.
Do you have to experience a miscarriage to be able to offer comfort to those in need? No! If you are genuinely concerned for your friend, your sympathy will emanate from you. Most important, be there for your friend. She needs you.
"Weep with them that weep." (Romans 12:15)
Article Copyright 2000
by Rachel Keller
