Surviving the Pain of Miscarriage,
Stillbirth, and Infant Death
Losing a child is difficult whether the child dies at five weeks gestation or shortly after birth. To lose a child is to lose part of one's self. The agony is very real for both mothers and fathers.
I vividly remember the deep pain and grief I suffered. Although my husband endeavored to remain strong for my sake, I know he hurt, as well. I recall the tears we shed together for our babies and am grateful that he was not ashamed to share my sorrow. It is very important that couples support each other in their suffering.
While the pain lessens over time, the memory of the bereavement lingers. Every person deals with pain differently. The following list represents various ways to help ease the pain of miscarriage and infant death.
1. Weep for Your Child.
Crying for your loss is part of the healing process. Don't ever be ashamed of your tears, even years after your loss.
2. Accept Offers of Help.
Accepting help from friends does not indicate that you are an incompetent individual. You need the encouragement of friends in coping with your loss. After my miscarriages, friends brought me meals, and watched my two sons.
3. Find a Support Group.
You may be surprised at how many women have lost one or more babies. Talking to others who have faced similar circumstances is very therapeutic. Hospitals may know of support groups in your area. If you can't find anyone to share your heartache, try joining an Internet support group.
4. Keep a Journal.
Writing down your thoughts is an excellent way to express your grief and remember your child. I wrote my thoughts in a notebook and later published articles on my web site. ("Happy Birthday in Heaven"). Some people write poems about their children.
5. Keep Your Cards and Notes.
I kept all my cards and notes sent to me. Although the cards are a painful reminder of my loss, I enjoy reading the words of comfort sent by dear friends.
6. Make a Memory Book.
Ultrasound pictures or pictures taken after birth, along with cards and notes, can be included in a book. Women who lose a baby after birth may have an undershirt or little socks to keep in remembrance of their child.
7. Make a Web Page in Memory of Your Child.
I have viewed numerous pages via the web page. What a wonderful memorial for your child!
8. Plant a Tree or Flower in Memory of Your Child.
I have a cousin who planted a tree in memory of her child. Others have a flower garden as a memorial. Still others have a stone engraved and placed on their property. My husband and I purchase poinsettias in our children's memory and to decorate our church at Christmas.
9. Have a Memorial Service.
I recommend that you see and hold your baby if you can. I have friends who have held their babies and taken pictures, and they cherish those memories. I also have friends who chose not to see their baby, and they regret it deeply.
10. Remember Your Child's Birthday or Due Date.
I wrote an article in honor of the first child I lost. Some families make a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday to their child.
11. Read Some Good Books and Articles.
12. Name Your Child--even if you don't know the sex.
Some couples choose names that are not gender specific. Others choose names based on the baby's expected due date (Chris or Holly for a Christmas baby).
13. Write a Letter to Your Baby.
Writing the letter may be very emotional, but it can also be very healing. (Read my "Letter to Heaven".)
Don't blame yourself for the death of your child. Most of the time, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
The following poem was written by Denise Hanstad who lost her baby at birth.
A Tiny Hand
A tiny hand we'll never hold.
A child without a name.
Your coos and giggles
won't touch our ears,
but we loved you just the same.
The twinkle in your little eyes,
was not for us to see;
we longed to hold you in our arms,
but it never came to be.
God now holds your tiny hand,
He's given you a name;
your coos and giggles grace Heaven's ears,
but we'll miss you just the same.
The twinkle in your little eyes,
now lights the sky at night.
God holds you close in loving arms,
you're always in His sight.
A tiny hand we'll never hold,
we have no reason why;
but we'll always hold you in our hearts,
even though we said good-bye.
