The
Silver Lining of A Cloud
I
knew that miscarriage was painful, but I never understood how much
until I had my first one in September 1997. I was only eight weeks
when I started spotting, and within a few days, I lost my first baby.
The grief I experienced for the next couple weeks was indescribable. A
part of my life was suddenly gone. At first, I felt foolish grieving
over such a little thing until I realized that grieving was necessary
to my healing. But how could something so little cause so much pain?
With
the help of God and friends, I began to overcome my grief and looked
forward to conceiving again, but now I feared losing another baby.
When my fears became reality, I questioned "Why me?" One
miscarriage was enough. Why did I have to endure a second one ten
months later?
Although
I have not discovered the answers to all my questions, I know that the
sovereign almighty God had everything in His control. He loves me and
never gives me more than I can handle. He has a purpose in everything
even when I don't understand.
It
is still painful when I think of my babies in heaven. I wish I could
have my babies with me, but I know they are much happier now. I pray I
never experience another miscarriage, but I would not change the past
because I have gleaned so much from those experiences. I know God has
more he wants to teach me, but here is what I have learned so far.
Due
to my miscarriages, I am in better health today.
After
I had my first miscarriage, I knew I needed to get in shape. I had
just started a walking program the end of July and had added aerobics
about the time I had the miscarriage. Some people had told me my
physical activity had caused my miscarriage, but I knew this was not
true. I gradually increased my physical activity, started taking
vitamins, and tried to eat a healthier diet. My husband started taking
vitamins, as well. We both wanted to be in top physical shape before
we conceived another baby.
I
appreciate my living children more and do not take them for granted.
When
I had my miscarriage, I had two young sons whom I loved dearly, but
something about the miscarriage made me realize how special it was to
have these two children. Sometimes, we take things for granted, such
as conceiving and carrying a baby to term. I realized then that it was
God, not I, who was in control of the children I had.
I
can comfort those in similar situations.
I
truly hope that I never experience another miscarriage, and I wish
that no one had to experience this pain, but now I understand better
what someone feels when they lose a child. Before I had my first
miscarriage, I knew that miscarriages hurt, but I never understood how
deep that pain could be. I have written several articles that I never
could have written unless I had experienced the pain of loss.
Three
years ago, I never realized that I would be writing again or that God
would use my experiences to help others. I have corresponded with many
women who have had miscarriages. Some have had repeated miscarriages,
as many as 11. I cannot begin to fathom their pain, nor the numerous
tests and doctor visits they have had to endure.
I
have treasure awaiting me in heaven.
Although
I miss my children, I look forward to meeting and getting to know them
in heaven. It makes heaven so much more glorious for me. (See Letter
to Heaven.)
I
have a beautiful son!
The
greatest blessing I have received so far has been the birth of my
third son. I conceived Joseph a few months after my last miscarriage.
Joseph would not be here today had I carried that final baby to term.
Yes, I miss my babies, but God gave me another blessing in return.
My
miscarriages were dark clouds, but God has helped me see the silver
lining of those clouds!
